I woke up feeling great today. But since becoming a mom, how I feel waking up each day is a hit or miss. Actually, how I feel each minute of the day is a hit or miss as I’ve become quite bipolar since having a child. No, technically speaking I am not in fact bipolar, but it sure feels like it sometimes. I tell myself I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way, other moms do too, right…? Other people, not just mothers feel this way too, right...?
Before having my beautiful baby girl (who I had dreamed about having for years and years) I really thought I had a handle on who I was and how I wanted to live my life. All that changed when I had my daughter. I had worked really hard on myself, faced a lot of deep and dark things and done a lot of internal work and my life had become exponentially better for it. All that changed when I had my daughter. It was like my slate was wiped clean and I had to start all over again, for better or for worse. Sometimes it just feels like for worse.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, I really, really do. More than anything in this world, more than myself. But no one tells you or prepares you for what happens when you welcome that new human being into your life. What happens to your sense of self, to the person you thought you were, to the person you are…
I’ve thought about writing for a long time and one day it popped into my head that I should start a blog. That was probably about six month ago, pre-baby. I wanted to write about the internal work I had done (and was still doing) in the hope of touching someone’s life. Maybe even inspiring them.
Then I had my daughter, a wish that had been on my heart for I don’t know how long. And all of a sudden I was tossed back into the darkness I thought I had left behind me. My sense of self was erased; the person I had worked so hard on becoming was lost in this new vortex of motherhood.
I honestly have no idea if what I am hoping to put down on virtual paper is going to speak to anyone else, maybe I am doing this more as therapy for myself. Either way, this is my life on Rainbow Drive. I am grateful and humbled you’ve joined me.