Confession: I stopped writing because I didn't think it mattered anymore.
Tonight I sat down and read my old blog posts for the first time since I started my blog a year ago. In all honesty, I don’t read my blog posts once I’ve published them. It’s too embarrassing for me. Like when you find an old diary from seventh grade and you cringe just thinking about what’s in there.
I haven’t published anything new on my blog in a year either. Here’s my confession: I stopped writing because I didn’t think it mattered anymore. I thought everything that needed to be said had already been written by other people/was already being written by other people. I read all these other blogs and books and I was like, well why the heck would I write anything? This pretty much covers it. I couldn’t possibly have anything else worthwhile to add to the discussion.
Well that’s a pretty ridiculous train of thought you might think or you may be agreeing with me because you’ve felt like this before in your life. Like, why contribute to the conversation or the narrative, other people already have it covered. Then I took a long hard look at myself and it took me about a month to come to this conclusion, but guess what? I have a voice that matters. Even if everything that could possibly be said about something has already been written. All the words have already been said. I still have a voice that matters. Even if I am just regurgitating all those other words that have already been put out there. I have a voice that matters.
And when I started talking to myself that way all of a sudden all those words I used to write started coming back to me. And even though in the back of my head I still felt like they weren’t original I still put them down on paper. At first it was just a sentence here and there, until eventually, here I am writing an entire post. Pouring my heart out. Wondering if as soon as I post this I will feel like cringing thinking about reading it.
In reality, going back to my old blog posts are not that bad. They just show who I was then, where I was on my journey in life. So I guess it’s not that odd to feel like a child or younger version of me has written it, because that is exactly what happened. And thank goodness I feel like I have life more figured out now then I did then. Otherwise I’d be in trouble right?
Tonight I am cutting my younger self some slack, trying to not go back and change my old writings. I am accepting myself for who I am and vowing to move forward in a bigger and better way. My current super hero, Rachel Hollis, and her book, Girl, Wash Your Face, is my inspiration for coming back to writing. Although I feel like my capabilities are about one gazillion of hers I am promising myself to keep coming back to this computer and this blog over and over and over again.